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HOW TO HELP CHILD WITH ADHD TO MAKE AND KEEP FRIENDS?Q: You mentioned the need for parents to become strong advocates for their ADHD children. One area in which I’d like to help my ADHD daughter a bit more is the social arena. She desperately wants to make and keep friends, but her behavior makes this difficult. How can I help? A: Most normal children make friends by getting involved in school life. They learn to negotiate their way through the school culture by meeting with teachers, discovering support systems with peers, and finding gratification through academics or sports.However, this scene can be a source of deep frustration and depression for youngsters with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. They want desperately to be a part of their peer group, but their inattention, hyperactivity, aggressiveness, and immaturity can be off-putting. Their peers find them strange or frightening and want nothing to do with them. As a result, ADHD youngsters are often the butt of cruel jokes and taunts, which only compounds their poor self-esteem.Adding to the problem is the fact that children with ADHD are frequently subjected to difficult impulses and feelings they don’t know how to modulate, and they often have trouble reading social cues. There may also be an overpowering need for impulsive action and a difficulty in focusing attention, all of which makes it hard for them to succeed on a play date. However, play dates are important because they are a way of learning how to deal with people and manage in the world later in life.Parents can help arrange friendships for their ADHD children, but it must be done delicately and sensitively. The first step is to look at the lay of the land in terms of your young child’s peer group. Look for a child who might be sympathetic in playing with your child, then facilitate their interaction. Invite the child over for a play date, and be part of it. Be watchful for your child’s need to change activities, and take quick control so that the other child doesn’t feel disrupted. If you notice that your child is becoming restless or aggressive, change the venue. Go out for ice cream, or take the children to the beach or a park, where they can run around to their hearts’ content.Of course, if you’re dealing with a child of preteen or teen age, parental involvement must be done even more sensitively. Obviously, you can’t call up schoolmates and make a play date for your teenage daughter, but there are other ways to facilitate peer experience. Go out of your way to take your child wherever her schoolmates enjoy hanging out, for example, or invite others over for dinner and perhaps a movie. And while school is a very good place to find potential friends for your child, don’t forget church groups and other social environments.It may also help to “coach” your ADHD child on certain essential social skills, such as making eye contact when talking with someone, letting someone finish talking before speaking, respecting physical boundaries (i.e., not hugging or touching everyone they meet), interpreting body language, initiating a conversation and, perhaps most important of all, coping with rejection. For most of us, these skills are just second nature. Strangers become friends with very little effort. But social skills can be a foreign language to children with ADHD. Coaching them now will enhance their chances of making friends later on.All of this requires involvement, diligence, and a major investment in time. It can be very hard to maintain, especially if you have other children—but the payoff, in terms of your child’s self-esteem and emotional growth, can be spectacular.*93\173\2*
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